Rated SCARY… do not listen to this unless you are prepared to be ‘scared beyond belief’… this comes from my niece, Jocelyn Wright!!! Muhahahahahahaha!!!
Coaching
One of the greatest blessings of my life has been in the role of coach. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the most gifted, nor the most experienced (In fact, I’ve been little more than a glorified cheering mom most of the time), but I love the connection I have with the athletes on my team(s).
The ups and downs of a season reflect that of a life. We go through injuries, conflicts, struggles, joys, triumphs… it is intense and it is meaningful.
I love all the kids with whom I’ve had this relationship, and I’m grateful for all the other coaches with whom I have worked. Thank you. You’ve enriched my life beyond words.
Go Crusaders!!
Open Hands
Hands.
Hands are really quite extraordinary. They are the instruments of love, work, conflict, peace and worship. They are used to wield a hammer and an axe, to prepare a meal, to caress, to join with another in marriage, to write and paint and sculpt great works of art, to gesture, to catch a baby as it enters the world, to gather, to minister, to express. Apart from God’s creation that we find in nature, all that we see around us was created by the ingenuity given to us by God and through the toil of human hands. Hands are God’s singular masterpiece of the fleshly body, setting us apart from all other creatures on this planet. Oh, the strength of hands, the usefulness of hands, the tenderness of hands…
…and the humility and beauty of an open hand.
Max Lucado reminds us in his book, He Chose the Nails, of the gift of God’s own hands. The same hands that lovingly formed Adam out of the clay also parted the Red Sea, released the locusts on Egypt and inscribed the commandments on stone tablets. These are the same hands that, when incarnate on Earth, healed the blind man with just a touch, captured His own tears as he wept for Lazarus, gathered the children to him and ministered to all who encountered him. And, in the final hours of His time on Earth, Jesus willingly opened those very hands to receive the nail as payment for our sin. Imagine. Each mighty hand of God, instead of clenching or becoming a fist in response to the treatment of the Roman soldiers, was instead humbly opened to receive the nail on our behalf. The same hand that formed Adam, received the nail. As Lucado remarked, “As the hands of Jesus opened for the nail, the doors of heaven were opened up for you.”
How do we respond to this overwhelming gesture of love? What do we do with our own hands in return? Do we shake them clinched in anger at God when we do not understand the circumstances of the world we live in or are disappointed in our own circumstances? Or do we, instead, raise open hands to the heavens in worship and gratitude and join with other hands in creating a better world? Do we use them to rebuild areas like Agham Road in the Philippines ravaged by fire and lending support in finding some semblance of normalcy for the IDP’s of Mindanao, or do we waste them gesturing over grievances and playing video games?
The lesson I take from Jesus’ loving gesture towards me in opening His hand to the nail is to humbly do the same. I wish to walk through this life in a posture of open hands. Hands open in prayer, in tithing, in service and in submission to God’s plan for my life. I can do no greater thing in my own love for God than to do as He did for me… open my hands for Him.
Hands open to humbly receive; hands open to generously give, however feeble my attempts.
Over the Rainbow… (Click on the link above for the song!!)
I don’t have a favorite anything… ask me about a favorite color and I will ask you if it’s the color of my favorite flower (yellow or purple), my favorite colors in nature (green foilage on a blue sky) or clothes (classic blues/blacks/beige)… I just don’t have any favorite anythings… no favorite movie, no favorite dessert, no favorite book. I really dislike questions about my favorite…whatever???
Same goes for music… for the most part, I love music. I love all sorts of genres of music… from musical theater to pop to country to classical to opera to hard rock. Music is the thing I love most. I begged my parents for singing lessons when I was 6, and by the age of 8, I was granted my dream. I studied with my beloved music teacher, Helen Ramsdell, for nearly 10 years. I sang in my own Ohio (the setting of the show ‘Glee) choir all through high school. I sang in competitions. I sang in the Junior Miss pageant… wow, how I hated that!! But, I love singing. I love musical theater. I just love it… can’t say it enough.
But you know what?? I do believe I finally have a favorite something… a favorite song!!! I love the song ‘Over the Rainbow’ so much that I can claim it as my favorite… it touches on all the things I believe in and love to comtemplate… dreams, blue skies, rainbows, lullabies…
It’s also very spiritual… ‘over the rainbow’, to me, signifies heaven…
If there is anything I want played/sung at my funeral (apart from ‘Amazing Grace’ and ‘Great is Thy Faithfulness’), this would be it…. and especially this version, with the beautiful harmonies that I love so…
I do love to sing harmony!!
A few weeks ago, right before the memorial for James Sprake, I was contemplating the words I might speak at his memorial (before it was determined that there wasn’t enough time for me to speak.. and rightly so… it was so much more preferable to have students speak) and I was touched by all the comments on the FB page dedicated to his memory, especially those about how he was remembered in nature… in the stars, in a glorious vista, in the whisperings of the ocean… as I contemplated these thoughts from the FB postings, I noticed a most beautiful rainbow gracing the skies above Seoul after a storm (of which we have had many this early autumn). It literally caught my breath after reading so many beautiful stories of how James was remembered in the beauty that surrounds us every single day. In that moment, as I was stopped in my tracks by the beauty of the rainbow-strewn sky, I too, was reminded of James… and of all the others who have gone before me and those of whom I love and miss so, so much… YunJin, Mimi, Bonnie, Guy, Dad, Tim, Uncle Ed, Uncle John, Uncle Bob, Grandpa Hodge, Nick… James.
Ah, my friends and family…
Somewhere ‘Over the rainbow’… skies are blue, and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true…
Longing…
What a powerful word… ‘longing’. It is that deep-seeded emotion/need that propels us into all sorts of situations and difficulties and at times, into making mistakes.
We all long for that ‘thing’… the thing that will make living on the Earth more bearable and maybe even enjoyable and, dare I say it… fun.
I have longed to feel that sense of peace that only love and devotion can bring. It has, unfortunately, eluded me. I have longed for arms to hold me, integrity to encourage me and courage to protect me. Instead of happily ever after, I have, instead, found comfort in less than admirable replacements. These have, ultimately, left me bereft and empty.
I still long for love, arms around me and the comfort of one who knows me well and wants more than anything for me to be well and happy. I’ve searched the world over and still this has not been my lot here on Earth.
Beginning to understand that my longing will never be truly satisfied until I am in the presence of my savior, Jesus Christ. I know that all the longings we feel reflect this truth… we are not where we belong, nor in the presence of those who can ever satisfy our longing… it is all just a panacea for the only thing that will relieve the pain that we feel… and the unbearable longing.
I won’t lie… I still hope that God will provide me the comfort of a partner here on Earth, but I am also willing to wait, if that is His will, until the day that I come home and am finally fulfilled by the presence of God…
…and the song of angels.
Oh, but I long….
BraveHeart… a reflection on the life of James Sprake.
The above picture is of a thistle that I took on my solo trip along the Washington/Oregon coast just days after learning of the tragic news of James Sprakes’ untimely death. I, like so many who knew him, was heartbroken at the news. It was beyond reasoning… tragic, sudden and forever. He was gone. On my trip, with every new beautiful view, at every vista, with every sunset, with every flower and seashell and at the sound of the waves crashing on the coast, at nearly every turn, I thought of James. Beauty brought him near.
I have always loved thistles. It is a flower that is prickly, and yet so beautiful. It is sturdy and strong, and yet so vulnerable in the inner delicacy of it’s center. The color is striking… unique, powerful… never conforming. Seems to sum up my thoughts about James…
The thistle is prominent in the movie, ‘Braveheart’ which centers on the Scottish hero, William Wallace. One of the more touching scenes is when, after the death of his father, a neighboring lass offers the young boy, Wallace, a thistle at the funeral of his father. It touched me because no words were ever spoken… with the haunting sounds of a Celtic flute playing in the background, she offers her grieving friend the flower, a symbol of strength, in the hopes of alleviating his pain. He kept it always. Simple… lovely… beautiful.
On the day before James’ memorial at SFS, I was stuck by the postings on facebook. I was so amazed to see how many people would be wearing black in honor of the life of James, whether they were at the memorial or not… from Seoul to Argentina, from Ohio to Brazil, from Shanghai to England, from Europe to Australia… I was moved to tears to see the connections made world-wide by one life, by a life that was so brief… the world was connected with the singular purpose of honoring a life. This is simply beautiful.
I was likewise struck by the shared experiences of beauty, of nature and of art in connecting those still here on Earth with James, the departed. Posting after posting expressed the sentiment that, with the witness of something beautiful, they were immediately brought into the presence of James. A sunset, a shooting star, a piece of music, a glimpse into the realm of eternity never ceased to bring the spectator into the realm of love.
I, too, fell into this aspect of eternity. Not ten minutes after reading all the postings and reveling in the fact that I too felt this connection to James at every turn while in the Pacific Northwest, I went out onto my balcony after a thunderstorm last week and witnessed the most beautiful rainbow traversing the Seoul skyline… I don’t ever remember seeing a rainbow in the 12 years I’ve lived in Seoul. I stopped, gasped, brought my hand to mouth as my heart pounded… because I realized immediately that I was experiencing not only James, but God.
I immediately thought of the lyric from a song from the musical, ‘Les Mis’ that says, ‘To love another person is to see the face of God.’ I immediately saw the connection. We love. God is love. We experience love through things meaningful and beautiful… like sunsets and mountains and the sound of a children laughing and music and art and oh so many things… and we experience love in our relationships. We realize, at a time like this… much like the little girl in ‘Braveheart’, that it is the relationships we cultivate and cherish that matter most. Nothing else matters. These are the true glimpses into eternity.
That rainbow was also significant in that it reminded me that God offered a rainbow to Noah as a reminder that He is FOR us, never against us. I am at a loss… I am confused, angry, scared, and hurt by the loss of James. Why, oh why?? Some things completely elude us in this life… I will NEVER understand why James is gone and why his family and friends have to hurt so. But I cling to the hope, and faith, and the promise that God IS FOR US. And I CLING to the conviction that someday I/we WILL understand all of this. For now, though, that’s all I can do…
cling…
I pray for those who love, miss and grieve James’ passing, especially Chris and Debbie and Alex and Ben. And I offer my photo, in lieu of an actual thistle, in the hopes of alleviating any pain you might be suffering…
Dear James… we miss you and we miss your beautiful smile… that tangible glimpse into eternity.
Traveling Companion
Recently I took a solo trip down the Washington/Oregon coast, a dream come true because I have always wanted to photograph this part of the world. As a child, my parents, who also had a love of photography, had a coffee table book that obsessed me as a child. I would stare, longingly, at the photos of the Oregon coast and dream of possibilities…
But going on a solo trip can be lonely and sad, especially, I think, for a woman. Men don’t seem to have the same fear of traveling alone. I’ve struggled with this for several years now. It just seems a little lame to have to travel alone… but I do it, because I want to travel. I need to explore.
This trip was also an incredible blessing and one I will NEVER forget because it was so very different from prior solo trips…
I recently re-connected with a childhood friend from Ohio, from HS, from church youth group… from a time that is rampant with emotion… good and bad.
This friend, having lived in Washington years prior, traveled the coast with me through txt messages, FB postings and messages… giving me advice about where I should go, what I should visit, always encouraging me to explore and dream. I was never, for even one minute, alone on that trip. Thanks to current technology, I could send photos via iphone and he was with me on every aspect of the trip. It was so, so lovely.
God is good. He provides. He offers His love through the interactions with friends and family. I saw beauty and poetry on my trip along the coast of the pacific northwest… and I saw the beauty and poetry in a rekindled friendship…
and finally…
I saw beauty and poetry in how marvelous it is to travel through this life with loving companions…
Thank you, my traveling companion. <3
Sea Glass
As a child, I loved to collect sea glass. We owned a cottage up at Lakeside, OH on Lake Erie, where I would spend hours upon hours collecting sea glass, organizing it into the various shades of blue and green and brown, marveling at how the water could make the edges so smooth… I continually ran my fingers along the edges, feeling the contours and textures.
Somewhere along the way I forgot about my childhood collection of sea glass…
A couple years ago, while walking along a beach in S. Korea, I came across a piece of sea glass in the sand. Tears welled my eyes as I was wrenched immediately back to that time of my youth. I remembered that not only was sea glass a part of those endless summer days many years ago, it was also a time when I was formulating dreams for my life… dreaming of the prince charming who would be by my side for ever.
In contrast, as I came across that piece of glass on the smooth sand of Taejon Beach many years later, I realized that so many of those dreams had been shattered just like the piece of glass in my hand. I was going through a very difficult time in my life and that little piece of glass just reminded me of the pain of those shattered dreams.
But, then, just as suddenly, another voice inside reminded me that I no longer need to cling to those old shattered dreams, but rather, I could begin formulating new dreams for myself, dreams based on what God wants FOR me. I put that piece of sea glass in my pocket and I’ve been collecting sea glass again ever since… all the while dreaming.
A student of mine, an apparent angel in disguise, who heard my sea glass story in class, took it upon himself to create a piece of art with my name written in the sea glass that he had collected on vacation. He presented that art piece on the day I was forced to announce to the students and faculty at my school that I needed to change my name back to my maiden name, a very difficult thing for me to do. I was so distraught at having to change my name. But my student walked into my classroom that morning before the opening assembly on the first day of the new school year and presented me with his artwork. Having no clue that I was about to publicly announce my name change, I was startled to see that he, instead of spelling out Ms. Arzel in sea glass as I was known in class, had written…
‘Pam’
God spoke to me through the sea glass, through the gift given to me by my student, reminding me that no matter my name, no matter my dreams, crushed or formulating, I am loved, hope remains, and I am treasured.
Just like my new treasure of sea glass.
Two of my 3 daughters married this summer. Each carried a piece of sea glass as they walked down the aisle. A reminder of angels and hope and dreams.
I love sea glass.
July 29, 2010 (Lexington, Ky)
For James…
This past week, as I traveled alone along the Washington/Oregon coast, my thoughts were engulfed with the memories of the life, and the pain of the death of James Sprake. He was a student of mine. He was a young man who passed me in the halls with a sweet smile on his face and a genuine, ‘Hi Ms. Wright, How you doin’, that was always a welcome encounter to my day. This was a boy who lived life fully. He was loyal, loving, adventurous and creative, and I am grateful James was a part of my life, on a small scale. It’s always so amazing the impact each of us has on other individuals… James has really impacted my life… none of us will ever be exactly the same.
As I traveled through the beauty and the poetry that is God’s creation witnessed in Washington and Oregon last week, I was overcome with the complete lack of understanding why something like this could ever happen, why such tragedy has become the reality for his darling mother and father and dear, sweet brothers. I witnessed the love in this family. I saw how brothers defended each other, how they loved their mother, and how close they all were. It breaks my heart. I cannot even begin to imagine their pain!!
At every turn on my journey through the Pacific Northwest, there was a new, magical encounter. I witnessed elk foraging on a river. I saw every possible geographical wonder: majestic mountain peaks, sleepy early morning mountain lakes, marshes, white beaches, fog-shrouded cliffs, prairies, wild flowers, deer, every sort of bird and their birdsong. With each encounter, I could only think of one thing……. what James would not ever have the opportunity of encountering here on Earth, ever again.
And yet, I am an optimist. I am a believer. I cling to what I know and believe, even if it makes absolutely no sense at all… I try to trust in what I know to be true. That everything is within God’s plan and that it will be alright… SOMEDAY! But, oh, the wait is brutal at times!!!!
The picture I have posted is a favorite of mine out of hundreds of photos taken in such a beautiful part of the world that day. I have named it ‘James’. I love the colors, I love the ripples in the water and I love the expectation of the tides coming in … a cleansing, a renewal.
A beginning…
It will take time. But, my prayers are with the entire Sprake family and all his dear friends… May you find peace and comfort and may you ONLY remember his sweet smile, his loyalty and his love of life!! God bless you all!!
In Him,
pam
After the Storm on Lake Erie June 26, 2010
‘Storm’ by Lifehouse
how long have I
been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean’s shapeless form
water’s getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head
if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I’d see you
the storminess will turn to light
and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright
I know you didn’t
bring me out here to drown
so why am I 10 feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause I’m so used to living underneath the surface
if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I see you
the storminess will turn to light
and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and I will walk on water
you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
I know everything is alright
everything’s alright
